On journaling and a new identity

During the last week of my mom's life, as I sat with her, I needed something to occupy my time. I had been meaning to get my journal entries off of my old LiveJournal for a long time but I kept putting it off. I just didn't have the time to sit with my computer and do it. I had decided to do it manually, copying and pasting each entry. As I sat and went through it, I read most of those old entries. I was so grateful to that past self for documenting that time of my life. Roger and I were newlyweds and were knee deep in a pretty creative period of our musical careers but on the other hand, I had just recently finished grad school and was feeling like a failure (I know that sounds backwards, but that's a different story). As I began my journal, I had just started working at Apple and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. It was like reading the life of another person. I barely recognized that twenty-something young woman. 

It's now twenty-something years later and I keep thinking that I need to write. I had so many big thoughts and feelings back then. It was a pretty emotionally tumultuous time for me but writing in that journal and, not just for me, but for others to read, was really profoundly helpful to me.

Life has been pretty tumultuous the past few years. And I keep meaning to write about more than just vacations. Well, here I am. I'm going to write about my cancer journey. This isn't what I thought I'd be writing about, but here we are. I think this is something that is about to define my life for awhile (and possibly for years to come) so it feels like I should document this experience. Of course, I'm far from unique. The American Cancer Society says that "the average risk of a woman in the United States developing breast cancer sometime in her life is about 13%. This means there is a 1 in 8 chance she will develop breast cancer." That's a lot of people with breasts with cancer! So my journey isn't even remotely unique and there are many other breast cancer stories out there. I unfortunately know quite a few of them as well. (Off the top of my head I can think of 4 other women that I know who have dealt with this recently.)

One thing I hope to do in telling my story is to ensure that those 1 out of every 8 people has their cancer caught early so that it's treatable, like mine is. Mammogram screenings save lives. The radiation is low and there are options available for screenings for people who need financial assistance. So if you're over 40 and you have breasts and haven't had a screening for awhile or ever, please get on that now. I'll tell the story of how this all came to be discovered in another entry soon. My background story is a little longer than "had mammogram, found lump." 

As for me, right now, I feel like I'm in some kind of strange holding pattern of having a diagnosis but waiting to move forward with treatment. So here I am trying to figure out all my feelings and what this means for me and my life and my family. Really, nothing has changed, but somehow everything has changed. I don't know why or how but somehow it's like I have this new identity as a person with cancer. It's not an identity I ever thought I'd have. And I don't know why I feel this identity is who I am now, but I do.

And yeah, I'm bummed, but not because I'm scared or freaked out or anything. I know I'll get through this and be fine eventually. It's small, it's early, it's super treatable but I just don't want to deal with all of this. I don't want surgery and radiation and pain and doctor's appointments and disruption. I just want to live my normal life. I haven't cried. (Other people have.) Which is weird, because I'm a cryer, generally. Mostly I'm just frustrated, irritated, and slightly down. I just feel exhausted from everything I have been through this year to then have this piled on top. And everyone is looking forward and ahead to a great new year and not me because I have to contend with this in the new year. 

The extra kick in the pants is that I'm about to have one of the most important things to me that helps me get through stress taken away - my ability to work out. I tell my people all the time during workouts to appreciate the incredible privilege that we have in being able to move our bodies in that way. It's not something I've ever taken for granted and I'm about to go through a period where I won't have it and I'm going to feel that hole in my life. But until I know what's next, I'm going to teach every class like it's my last one and be fully present in each of those moments. One foot in front of the other is all any of us can really do when faced with challenges.