Fitness Instructor Journey, Part 4: Unbreakable

It's been one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not that this is something to celebrate, but it's going to be a hard day to forget for the rest of my life. As I've said previously, I'm not an "everything happens for a reason" person but I do find that sometimes the course of our lives can shift in unexpected ways when we face great challenges. 

As I stood on the podium this morning to teach my BODYCOMBAT class, I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that if I had not faced the challenge of having cancer, I likely would not have ever become a BODYCOMBAT institutor. Taking that journey was far outside my comfort zone and not something I ever thought I would do. 

When I started working for Fitness Connection 5 years ago, I took a BODYPUMP class for the first time and immediately fell in love with it. I loved the music and how it made me feel. I had a big goofy grin on my face the whole class. I also took a BODYCOMBAT class. I did not love it. I felt uncoordinated and clumsy. I had a hard time figuring out what I was supposed to be doing and I left feel awkward and frustrated. I told myself it wasn't for me.

When I went to Les Mills Live in August 2022, I picked BODYCOMBAT as one of my classes to take. I don't know why. I blame my friend Vorani (my "Les Mills Bestie" who I met in initial training for BODYPUMP).  It was different being in that energy with those amazing presenters. After Les Mills Live, Erin Maw came to Fitness Connection and taught a class and that was really great! I actually felt like I was getting the hang of it! Maybe it wasn't so bad. Still definitely not a program I would ever teach, but the participants loved it and wanted it and we had a couple of instructors (including Vorani) so I worked to try to bring the program to our gym for them. It didn't happen. We just didn't have enough instructors. Ah well.

Meanwhile, after Les Mills Live, my life took a turn. My father had died just a year before, in July 2021. In fact, I had just returned from Boulder and his Celebration of Life a few weeks prior to LM Live. When I was in New Orleans, my mom was in the hospital fighting cancer and things weren't looking great. She was getting weaker and weaker. Then in September, I lost her. Her time in hospice was the worst thing I've ever dealt with in my life and losing her was incredibly painful (and continues to be). 

The following month, as I was still reeling from that loss, I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my step-mom. She was the woman who shepherded my father through his last years as he slowly succumbed to a long illness and was an important figure in my life.

A couple months later, just before Christmas I had a breast MRI and something suspicious was found. The site was biopsied on December 20 (incidentally, my dad's birthday so it was sort of a tough day). At the time I wasn't too worried. I figured they'd call me in a day or two like they always had before (I've had a number of biopsies, unfortunately) and tell me it was nothing.

Since I've had multiple breast biopsies I knew what to expect in the recovery. It's not fun, but it's not awful. I just needed to stay off of any upper body weight bearing exercises. I made plans to do some LM workouts when we traveled to Seattle for the holidays. I wasn't sure what workout I would choose, but when my mother in law said some really horrible and upsetting things about my mom that were untrue and we got in a huge fight, I needed an outlet. On a whim, I did some BODYCOMBAT and felt immensely better after.

As Christmas approached, I didn't get a call with my results. I started getting more stressed out and more concerned. It wasn't right. I remember lying in bed on Christmas Eve and thinking "I have cancer." I was almost certain of it. I tried to put it out of my head and went through Christmas in a daze. Then three days after Christmas I was in a cupcake shop in Seattle when my doctor called. Cancer.

After my cancer surgery in February I found myself pulling up some BODYCOMBAT classes. I could go easy in the upper body without any power to the punches as I healed and I could really focus on the kicking tracks. I was good at kicking! I liked kicking. And I was starting to get the hang of it. And something about the workout lifted me up and made me feel like I could accomplish anything. The music and coaching made me feel so much better about it all. I had an outlet for all the frustration at everything that was happening in my life. 

I was about to start radiation treatment when I decided I wanted to try to become a BODYCOMBAT instructor. It was crazy. I had taken maybe half a dozen classes ever (that first one in 2019, one at LM Live, one with Erin Maw, and a few on demand). But it just felt like I needed to step outside my comfort zone. It felt like I needed something to carry me into the after.

I started radiation on March 28, signed up on April 4 to attend training, finished radiation on April 25, and attended training the weekend of May 6. I was assigned a track to focus on for my training and it was called "Reasons for Fighting" because of course it was. In fact, so much of the entire release spoke to me, especially track three: "Unbreakable." My instructor, Ashley, was amazing and we connected over her recent personal struggles as well. Training was equal parts humbling, uplifting, motivating, and emotional. I'm not going to lie, I did cry. More than once. 

After training it felt so hard sometimes and there were many many moments when I said to myself, "what am I doing? How am I going to pass?!" I questioned if it was actually the right program for me. I spent hours and hours working on it. As much as I felt the program was challenging to nail as a participant, it felt doubly so trying to teach it. 

And in the end, I did pass. It felt amazing. Even more amazing than passing BODYPUMP. The struggle was one that I chose and it was on my terms and I conquered it! It's so important to do these kinds of things - to get outside our comfort zone and challenge ourselves. To do things that scare us a little but make us better people. And it's important to find those victories that we can take, even when other parts of our lives are hard. Especially when other parts of our lives are hard. 

I've now been teaching for a little over six months and I love every class. It's still hard but it's slowly getting easier and I'm slowly getting better. I have tracks that really challenge me and I have to work extra hard to nail. I recently submitted a grade review video to get feedback and got some fantastic feedback on things I can continue to work on, but I also got some really great kudos and ended up scoring at the same level as my last BODYPUMP assessment which is crazy to me! It doesn't come easily or naturally to me, but that makes it all the more special. It's made me a better instructor in my other classes and a more confident and stronger person. Unbreakable.