Radiation

I'm now 5 weeks post-op and I'm feeling almost normal again. I still have some very slight cording pain/pulling in my arm, but with Dr. Wag's work, it's almost completely gone. What a relief! Both my incisions have healed up very well and I'm working my way back to full strength in BODYPUMP. I'm not there yet because I'm taking it very slow coming back in to get up to my full weight. It's not worth pushing things too quickly. I'll get there. 

I was in sort of a crappy place emotionally last week. It's just hard sometimes. I'm doing a little better this week, but I started radiation today and it's not painful or anything, but there's just something about doing it that just feels...crappy. 

The process began on Thursday with my simulation. I had to lie facedown on a table on a CT machine. Then they scanned me several times to pinpoint the exact area they will need to target. After they got me all lined up right, they put stickers on my back and sides. Three down the middle of my back and one on each side of my torso. These stickers will stay on for all 4 weeks of treatment. 

While I was lying there on the machine, my mind went to my mom who also did radiation. That was not a good place to go and I started to tear up. I took some deep breaths and told myself, "not right now" and took my mind elsewhere. I finished the simulation and they explained to me everything that would happen and how it would all work and gave me my schedule. 

Today I went in for my first treatment and I felt myself feeling sort of scared and sort of nervous and sort of sad. I didn't mention before, but during my wire localization and nuclear med. injection before my surgery I was feeling ALL THE THINGS and I recited to myself the litany against fear from Dune. It wasn't that I was fearful, exactly, but I thought of the word "fear" as all negative emotions and thoughts. Those feelings that I didn't need in that moment. 

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

I needed the litany against fear again today. As I lay alone in that room, face down on the table while the radiation machine whirred and buzzed and moved around me, it just felt like too much. It just felt too real. How could this be happening to me? Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through this? But I took a deep breath and I recited it in my head and I became calm. 

If you told me that I could only read one book for the rest of my life, all other books were off limits, I would be very mad, but then I would choose Dune. There are some sentimental reasons (I still have my grandfather's battered old copy) but also, it's just a great book. Is it perfect? No, for sure, no. But I get something new out of it every time I read it. (And I'm so glad the new movie was good and yes, I'm looking forward to the next part in the fall.) 

I finished my recitations to myself and the radiation finished. Then I met with the nurse who gave me some cream and then I met with the radiation oncologist again and then I met with the financial consultant to pay the bill. And now, friends, we've met our out of pocket max for the year. Yay? I am thankful we have the financial means to pay for all this. Though I'm not thankful that we have to. I'd way rather had spent that $6k on a vacation or something, but it can't be helped and I know others are not so fortunate in that realm.

I've also been spending some time of late discussing with a couple of friends about the nature of strength. Dru in particular was very thoughtful in something she said to me that really touched me. I hope it's okay with her if I share it with you. Well, I'll beg forgiveness rather than ask permission because it's the middle of the night where she is. I leave you with her words to think on. 

I was particularly struck by this tendency of people (and they mean it in a good way, for sure) to say "You're so strong". Somehow it has become the emblem of women having to work, do most (or more than their share) of the house stuff, and then also be this independent person who exists outside of needing or wanting support.

I am exaggerating, but even I have thought to myself before, "Wow Summer is so strong." You're like one of the strongest people I know. Weirdly this could almost set up a self-expectation in the person that they have to "always be the strong one".

But it's more than OK to not feel strong, even to not want to be that person for a change. So if I have said this, it is out of encouragement, like "You can do this!", but not as a brush-off that it is valid to want support, even if it is just like kitties sleeping with you. (Off-topic, how amazing are animals--they sense this stuff so well. The night before I had to have oral surgery when I was kid, the cat I had growing up--from 5th grade til I was 27 in fact!--slept with me under the covers, and she had never done that.)

Strong isn't only about being able to get through sh*t. Strong is also the loving Mom and partner you are, the great friend, and the amazing kick-ass trainer/coach... being an inspiration for so many just by being you.

It says so much about you that throughout this scary shitty time, you have continually still found a way to include caring for others by posting what's going on, educating people, and leading to more than a couple mammorgrams.